Façade

Façade

So many regrets, I wish to undo,
So many tragedies all my life through…
So many people, I’ve hurt or destroyed
With my careless actions, I’ve stolen their joy.

I cover the pain by hiding my soul,
But that over time has taken its toll
I no longer know how, to feel like I should
I just stifle emotion, act like everything is good.

When in reality, I’m writhing in pain
Watching the lives of my loved ones in vain
Wishing to be part, but not knowing how
Love is too foreign, to me to allow.

So I wander in darkness, pursuing the light
Seeking in vain for an end to the night
For a morning refreshing, where all things are new,
For an end to the tragedies, all my life through.

Deserted

Deserted

When your friends desert you,
As they all seem to do,
When you question whether anyone
Is truly loyal to you

Remember those who were there
In your hour of great need
Give the benefit of doubt,
Pay misgivings no heed

If you are faithful and loyal
Truly worthy of them
It is they who have lost
If they’re not a true friend.

Be all you can be,
And soon you will know
You have no lack of friends,
Wherever you go.

For people will see the value
In being loyal to you,
When they know with out a doubt
That you are loyal too.

Future?

Future

I don’t want a future all lonely and drear,
But every time I allow any one to get near
It just ends in pain for both them and me
And I hate hurting others, so alone I must be.

Alone to endure, for the rest of my days
The knowledge that others have been hurt by my ways
Inexcusable, unforgivable, to hurt those who try
To help and to care about things in my life.

Powerless am I to avoid this result
So to be alone is now my default
And still I hurt others, just by being alive
To protect them, and guard them to that end I strive.

Falling miserably, time after time,
Awash with regrets, condemned for my crime
Crippled by believing that I cannot succeed,
My doubts my faith easily supersede.

Held Back

Held Back

How can I move forward when my heart’s in the past?
No it’s not broken, it’s torn from my chest
It is owned by the one that walked out of my world
But out of her care, my heart she just hurled
Op’ning the door to a new world of pain
Stressed to the limit, yeah I’m nearly insane
Been through so much, why does life knock me down?
Holding me under, trying to drown,
All my desires, my potential, my dreams
Snuffed in a moment, destroyed by life’s schemes
But I rise again, up against all hope
I DON’T DIE, I NEVER give up hope.
Life was given me, by a curse come true,
But I won’t relinquish it, till I’m totally through.
Till I exact in full measure, the joy I deserve
Till I take by sheer grit, what I’ve never been served
Success, Victory, these are my goals,
And I’ll reach them regardless, whatever the tolls
I NEVER give up, those who know me agree
And one day, when I’m ready, I’ll be indelibly free!!

Step Up

Step Up

Come out of the dungeon, into the light
Come out of your darkness, banish the night
It’s up to you to come through this alive,
Just believe, in your heart, that you will survive.

Lift up your head, give no place to shame
The ground is not where you should your gaze  aim
Prepare your eyes, when this darkness is gone
The light will be blinding, soon cometh the dawn

Whatever you’re facing, others have faced before,
Take courage, stand still, and trust in the Lord
He sees all your troubles, knows your weaknesses, too
If the storm grows too high, He can carry you through.

Love itself is stronger than death,
So love your potential, get up, take a breath.
Feel the power inside, in your spirit, your will
Breathe deeply, be confident, for a moment, be still.

When you are calm, your focus is clear
Look at your surroundings, notice what’s near.
Now choose a direction, step forward, believe
You can conquer, you can vanquish, cause your demons to leave.

Reminisce

Reminisce

Do you remember?
The past, the joys, the things we shared?
Our is it just me?
Remembering, with such despair?

Do you, like me,
Like awake for hours on end?
In dark of night,
Longing with someone to spend

Your life, your love,
All that you have, and are?
To give your best,
True love which naught doth mar?

When you’re with friends
Does it e’er seem strange that I’m not there?
Right by your side?
Every nuance we both can share?

Hearing a song,
Do you think about us?
Or’s what we had,
Fully buried by life’s fuss?

No day goes by,
Where I do not think of you.
With agony,
Can nothing this pain e’er undo?

Regret runs deep,
Darkening all of my hours
That one mistake
Now my hope, in subservience cowers.

Shattered forever
Its remnants are scattered abroad
Broken in bits
So hope, is erratically strawed.

Monster

Monster

There’s a monster, eating my soul…
Tears me apart, I can never be whole
Lock up my heart in an iron cage
Then shoot it with missiles and laugh at its rage.

Beat it to death, slowly, gruesomely, mutilate.
Pulverize all softness till all that’s left its the hardness of hate.
Hates itself the worst, for trying to do what a heart should
No room for feels, crush all desires, slaughter anything good

Live for the moment, the beat, and the bass
Court only death, marry danger’s embrace
Crush all emotion with the hammer of Thor
Never seek pleasure, always keep score.

Abby

Abby

She’s wildly beautiful,
So far from my league
Yet totally she accepts me
I’m filled with intrigue.

Her care is so gentle
She calms me, excites me
Her touch, soft, yet firm
With her, I am free

5 foot 4 is but average,
Her face follows suit
Till she looks in my eyes
Eyes sparkle, she’s SO cute

Not overly curvy
Yet feminine grace
Her every move garnishes
More beautiful than any face

She embraces her station
As a woman of God
Trusting her leaders,
Doesn’t nag them or prod

As a brave-hearted warrier
Standing tall in the strife
As a soldier for Christ
Shedding His light with her life

Amid life’s confusions
Mid uncertainty
She knows her convictions
And her loyalty

An excellent lady,
With a vision for life
Will some day, for some man
Make an excellent wife.

 

*Written about my ex, soon after we broke up.

Ideation

Ideation

They call it ideation
Imagining what could be
Over-active imagination
Is the reality.

Deep-seated psycho disturbance
Noted a therapist’s pad
Reliving the harrowing occurrence
Is steadily driving him mad.

Medication upon medication
Altering his state of mind
But shorter and shorter duration
The escape from Terror’s cruel bind

Others look on in sorrow
At a man trapped by his brain
The doctor says maybe tomorrow
Maybe then he’ll be sane

Energy, truly unfathomable
Lethargy, listless like dead
These two are the trouble
No sanity, just manic instead.

Lithium, Abilify, Celexa,
600, 5, and 10
Milligrams taken daily
But forgetfulness the problem then

Still he has days of depression
Still he has nights of no sleep
His moods like tides of the ocean
A schedule he cannot keep.

Care

Care

I’ll be there for you, that’s what they say
Their eyes are so sincere
But when you need them, suddenly,
There’s no one there to hear.

You were there for them for years on end,
Through trials great and small
They promised, if anything you ever need,
Just give them a quick call.

And so you do, but too busy are they,
To listen, or just to care
Next day they’re sorry, they love you dear,
But its in the trial you need them there.

Somehow, everything is all your fault,
Their problems, and your own.
Accusations fly thick and fast, unspeakable things,
They cut to the bone.

That they with how well they know you,
Would consider you are able to do
Such criminal actions, such immoral deeds,
Hurts, more they’ll ever know.