Ask me how I am, I’ll tell you I’m fine
I’ll smile, I’ll laugh, we’ll have a good time
Tell jokes, and stories, you’ll never see
The pain, or the darkness that envelops me
I’ve had lots of practice at hiding what’s inside
It’s almost like a part of me totally died
Maybe because when I was only four years
Is the first I remember being spanked for my tears.
Men shouldn’t cry, is what I was told
No more being babied, for that you’re too old
The tears were because my cheek was missing a dime of its skin;
Another half dollar was gone from my chin
From that time on, the tears didn’t come
No matter what happened, I’d always keep mum
Despite all the torment I went through at school
No matter who teased me, no matter how cruel
The horrors at home, no more could invoke
Any outward expression nothing ever of my turmoil spoke
I was labeled “hard”, “rebellious”, and “wicked”
I was just trying to survive, all that life had inflicted
My granfather died when I was six months past seven
It was just before christmas, when he gave in to depression
I remeber my sisters, all crying out loud;
Not a tear did I shed, not then and not now
I couldn’t; I didn’t know how, I’d forgotten, you see
By conditining it had been completely driven from me
I miss him still, not a day since has been
Devoid of thoughts, and of memories of him.
I’ve kind of meandered about things long ago
But perhaps it’s the present, about which you should know
I still hide a lot, more than any one can tell
I “internalize” the pain, act like everything’s swell
I claim your opinion means nothing to me,
I laugh at your insults, I hide completely
My longing for acceptance, for welcome, for friends
My fear of weakness, those desires transcends
I don’t make a choice not to show how I feel
My emotions are trapped in a cage made of steel
I don’t have the key, I don’t know how to show
The stuff that’s inside, things that you’ll never know.
There are days when all that I want is to die
I’m just tired of living this perpetual lie
So think, when another you are about to attack
Even in jest, words can someone’s heart wrack
I don’t ask you to pity, or even understand
I don’t need anyone to come hold my hand
Just let my story make you stop, and inspect
Your motives, for why some one you reject
Think of the pain you might never see
Pain they CAN’T show, from which they’ll never be free
Don’t tell them “Jesus will heal if you believe”
That feels like you mean that they are decieved.
Because if Jesus will heal those who believe
Then we who have this pain, we must be decieved
Because I thought I trusted, I thought I was saved
But the pain was still there, the barriers unscathed
So your promise of “fixes” is actually just
A subtle attack, as you judge how much I trust
I guess I’m not “christian enough” to have earned this “cure”
What? I need to fast? pray? go to church more?
I have little doubt that you never have gone
As long without food as what I have done
In my search for answers, in my quest for release
I’ve fasted, I’ve prayed, I’ve BEGGED God for peace
Some christians have cancer, and some hepatitis
Some have diabetes, and some arthritis
Yet you don’t tell them “Jesus will heal”
I guess those diseases aren’t sin? I guess mine isn’t real?
I don’t have physical symptoms, so it’s “all in my head”
The days when I can’t seem to get out of bed
When everything’s dark, when I want to just hide
But I still smile, and laugh, never show what’s inside.
I’ll be here for you, that’s what she said
Those words reverberate in my head
I looked for her just minutes ago
The answer to a question, I thought she would know
“This page is missing” the website replied
“This user’s profile cannot be supplied”
So much for her promises – I should have known
I’m wishing now she would have left me alone
Then my desire for friendship would never have grown
And sitting here now, I wouldn’t feel so alone
They same I blame others, for my own lack
But who should I blame for this knife in my back?
Friendship is transient, this I have learned
The only question is “How long ’til I get burned?”
But I know this person, and I can’t believe
That she would choose, willingly, me to deceive
So how then to explain, what happened today?
Is she being controlled? under someone else’s sway?
It matters not, though now I must choose,
In spite of her actions, will I my character lose?
The answer is no, for then I am to blame,
Regardless of others, only my actions can bring me to shame.
“It’s ok, but I don’t know what to say.
Don’t hurt yourself, Robbie.” That’s the message she sent the other day
“Letting it out, doesn’t have to leave a scar”
Her next message to me, not knowing I’m fubar
The scar is there, it just can’t be seen
Until I trace it in skin, with a knife edge so keen
All of this pain caused by well-meaning friends
Please just leave me alone, so this nightmare can end.
I know how to ask for what ever I need,
So unless I come asking, please; let me be!!
Reminding me daily of what I’ve been through
Is not really helping my thoughts to unskew
I’ve dealt with much worse than this affliction, you know,
So let me get through it, give me room to grow
I don’t want your pity, sympathy, or concern
All I need is some time, a plan to discern
And when I’ve decided where I should go,
Then, only then, I will let you know.
In spite of disaster, I’m moving ahead
Confident, determined, with nothing to dread.
No fear of the future, I’m ready to run
Toward any adventure, I won’t be outdone
I’m in my prime, with life to embrace
Stop throwing my failures back in my face
I know I messed up, I know better than you
How badly I’ve failed, to myself to be true.
But like always, I’ll climb to the top
I’m invincible, you know, you can’t pay me to stop.
Life is for living, so let’s get on our way
Abandon cowardice, rise, and seize the day!!!
Gone, I ain’t even looking back
Gone! No! I’m never coming back
Pushed to the edge, by society’s blight,
Chose to jump, launched into the night.
Fallen from grace into the abyss
Never turning around, nothing back there I miss
Peaceful exterior, violence hides
Anger uncontrollable, burning inside
Smiling blissfully, practice it takes
Immune to the judgment others may make
Freedom, banishing all bond’s despair
Conquering fear, abolishing care.
Adrenaline no stranger
Seeking more thrills
To drown out all ills
Friend’s knife in my back
Must flee this morass
Anonymous at last
In a place never known
My true value to own
No more horrible lies
From deeply jealous guys
Free to be who I am,
And not to be damned
To have everyone judge me
Because they have not checked
If what is said is correct.
What Will it Take?
What will take to make us lay down our pride?
Make us observe all agony that abounds by our side?
Children go hungry, we feast, and we thrive
Parents are starving, so children can survive.
Millions displaced, living homeless, or in tents
To house them, to feed them would cost less than we spend on presents
Orphans and widows living out in the street
We play in the snow, and complain of cold feet.
We see a video, we share, like, and comment
But do we CARE, do we recognize their life of torment?
Or do we just share to earn social cred?
To prove to our “friends” that our hearts are not dead?
News channels full of horrors untold,
Isis beheadings, are frequently tolled
But what of the millions dying each day?
Disease, starvation, not newsworthy? You say?
How then can you claim to possess Jesus’s love?
If you don’t share His burden for all those He loves?
If you live in comfort, in excess, in grandeur
While millions, MILLIONS die and we honour DE rigueur…
He was just a boy, with a heart so soft,
Innocent, loving, and kind.
But life, as we know, is incredibly cruel,
And pain slowly darkened his mind.
Betrayal, rumours, lies manifold
Soon there was no one to trust
So he walled off that heart with walls thick and tall,
Protection, that was a must.
For years he lived, letting no one in, in solitude drifting through life
Not feeling, never loving, just numb to it all
Never climbing, never trying, never opening up,
Afraid to, lest he fall
Until one day, some one came along, and convinced him that he could be safe
To tell them his fears, his pain, his loss,
Even of the walls he had erected about him
So he shared, with no sheltering gloss.
For a time it was great, having someone who cared,
And caring for them in return
Gradually, painfully, he opened more and more, starting to tear down his walls
Exposing his heart, so battered, by so many burned
But then, just when it seemed he might finally be free
From all that had his heart blast,
All the lies, and the rumours, the stories, and tales,
Of his painful and shadowy past.
Began to be known, by people about, and questions were fired around,
Who is he, what’s he want? Why, why, why?
And rather than seek for the truth of the man, people gobbled up gossip with glee
Passing judgment, condemning, this life weary guy
He had tried, he had opened, exposed his great pain,
And now, from beyond his control,
The one that he trusted was yanked from his life, and it wounded him,
Deep in his soul.
Hastily, frantically, as if for his life, the walls were slammed back in place
Thicker, higher, stronger than e’er,
With no windows, no doors, that no light could get in,
Never, never, again, he did swear.
What hope is there now? For this troubled young man, so beset by agony deep
All because some who are careless and cruel
Choose to gossip, to lie, to defame and abuse,
Now he is viewed a black sheep.
Where is the end of this cycle of pain? When does this man find relief?
When does his heart find healing complete?
Where is the end of his grief?
Likely nowhere, now, that he’s wounded this bad
For never again will he dare
To open that door, not for ANYONE, not even himself,
He is determined, never to care.
Haunted by loneliness
Future is grim
Down in my soul
Desperate for anything
Signs of the void
Sick of society,
By complacency annoyed
Drugs and music
Quickens, yet kills
Fast paced living
Yet in such bondage
In the quest for the key
Key to accept,
And be who I am
Throw off the trappings
Of society’s sham
So many regrets, I wish to undo,
So many tragedies all my life through…
So many people, I’ve hurt or destroyed
With my careless actions, I’ve stolen their joy.
I cover the pain by hiding my soul,
But that over time has taken its toll
I no longer know how, to feel like I should
I just stifle emotion, act like everything is good.
When in reality, I’m writhing in pain
Watching the lives of my loved ones in vain
Wishing to be part, but not knowing how
Love is too foreign, to me to allow.
So I wander in darkness, pursuing the light
Seeking in vain for an end to the night
For a morning refreshing, where all things are new,
For an end to the tragedies, all my life through.