I don’t even give a shit anymore
I’m so sick of fighting this infinite war
Pushing harder than ever but just to lose more
The wounds are cut deeper than ever before
Blood surging freely like waves at the shore
No way I’ll ever be changing the score
Everything around me is evil for sure
Rotted, corrupted all the way to the core
The heart from chest; it’s already been tore
Emotions all tangled like a knot rope contort
Looking back on all of the shit heretofore
Why do I try a future to ensure?
It adds up to more than a man can endure
The death angel and I are building rapport
Wondering what next for me is in store
Demons are dragging me straight to the door
Resisting I trip over piles of gore
Torn from my soul with satanic force
Sliding into darkness to wake nevermore
Drug through the doorway that appeared in the floor
Falling past demons who’s glaring eyes bore
Straight through my conscious to my secret-most cor-ners
This battle’s worse than anything for-mer
Talons grasp as I fall, the skin of my fore-
Arms is shredded and seared as the roar
Of flames of blackness from everywhere pours
Wishing for death with a passion that’s more
Than anything that I’ve ever felt before
A wish made worse by the laughing and scorn
Of demons who know death isn’t salvation’s form
Alone
In the dark of night, I lie alone
With naught even to call my own
In a borrowed shelter, under rented roof
I linger alone, all the world aloof
The joys of the day; the terrors of night
I face without friend, solitaire in fight
“No one deserves a full minute of your time unless they
Reciprocate attention”, which stands the assay
Of not just a minute, or an hour, or fortnight
Of relationship strains, and that without flight
There’s no one who qualifies, few who would care
What happens, or why, to this existence I bear
I’ve lived like this long, longer than most would conceive
I’m so good at hiding, that no one believes
The emotions I sample, with poly-urnal rate
A status I’ve accepted, as simplistic fate
Many I thought friends proved false in the wake
Of accusations ugly, and lies from a snake
They stopped taking calls, stopped answering texts
Refused at all, in any way to connect
So here I lie, with naught of my own
None to call comrade, by no one known.
Ugh
I wish I’d have never met you
It was so much easier then
Meeting you didn’t really chang me
It just sharpened my loneliness again
I’d gradually learned to ignore it
I didn’t even think of it much
But now it seems like always
My chest is wracked with its clutch
I’m not sure what I should do
I’m afraid of scaring you away
I don’t know how to love slowly
I really don’t know what I should say
I wish to be cool and collected
But I’m actually an emotional mess
I don’t really have anyone to talk to
Or to help me process this added stress.
Maybe more to come, I don’t know.
Fair Lady of the Night
We brave the night, while mortals slumber
We stand against demons, forbidding their plunder
Of our lives, our emotions, our value, our friendship
Our common enemy binds us with chains of close kinship
Her temerity emboldens if ever I falter
I cannot surrender, for I cannot insult her
Faith in my strength, my courage, my pluck
Her resilience guides, and serves to instruct.
She stands in the battle, her fist to the sky
As assailants grotesque her weakness decry
Surging around her, scaly and vile
The dragons of depression, and self-worth denial
Though I’ve seen her fall under their brutal assault
She never stays down, in spite of the onslaught
Of doubts, of demeaning thoughts and opinions
That her self image daily with intensity bludgeons
She dares to arise, to deny them a win
She dares to fight on, refuses to harbour within
The darkness they pander with evil intent
While anything good they misrepresent
She doesn’t know she’s a goddess among women
She just fights to survive and escape from the dungeon
Which looms as her end if she ever relaxes
If even for a minute her awareness she slackens
How long will this battle rage on in the dark?
How long can she fight before they extinguish her spark?
Who will be the victor when the war has been won
Will she still stand there proudly when all’s over and done?
I believe that she will, for I know of her strength
I know what she’s faced, what she’s battled at length
I know what she’s beaten already in life
And I know she will conquer in all future strife.
V
It seems that you’re gone
I wish I knew
But it’s been a week,
Since I talked to you.
I know we fought;
It wasn’t right
But can all that we shared
Be lost in a night?
I wanted a friend
But I don’t know how
To be that for to others
Though to try, I vow
I push too hard,
I care too deep
My emotional state
Is a garbage heap
I worry still
Still I don’t know
Know anything of how
How your days may go
I know you’ve struggled
I hope that is past
I want you to be ok
That’s all that I’ve asked.
Name Redacted
I lost my little sister the day before last
She called to say our ties are all in the past
Although it’s been years since we’ve been permitted to speak
I wasn’t fully ready to hear her words of critique
“You drove a wedge between my father and I”
Really? Are we even taking about the same guy?
Abusive, manipulating, controlling, and cruel,
He laughed at your pain, when he saw suicide’s tool
And I’m to feel bad, for trying to pull you away?
From that monster, that made you live under a rapist’s sway??
The man who openly threatened my life
For daring to condemn the actions of his wife
A wife who declared it her “God-given right”
To beat on her daughter for words said in spite?
“I’ll hit her wherever and however I chose”
“God said I could, it isn’t abuse”
So do I feel guilty for the role that I played?
Never! Never!! My beliefs have not changed
Did I do everything the best way I could?
Probably not, but what 20 year old would?
I made mistakes, that I freely own
But I never imagined into what I was thrown
I had no preparation, no time to reflect
There were children in danger, from parental neglect
I did what needed done, what no one else dared
I brought light into darkness, I showed that I cared
For the children, even though it came at great personal cost
I regret not one whit of what I have lost
So maybe I messed up, maybe my decisions weren’t perfect
But I don’t care if I lost everyone’s respect
My sister is alive, though she dialed my phone
For only to ask to be left all alone
I can do that, because I know that she made it till now
She doesn’t need me anymore, and of that I am proud
She was never to be a lifetime dependent
She needed someone for a time, to her emotions attendant.
Antidote to Depression
For years, I was tired. I’ve always had an irregular sleep cycle. I’ve always struggled with insomnia. So any time someone asked how I was, I was tired. Well, one day I tried an experiment. Anytime someone asked how I was, I said I was great. No. I came up with phrases. I wasn’t great, was absolutely awesome. Freakishly fantastic. Utterly unctuous. Magnificently marvelous. At first it felt hypocritical. Within two days, it was genuine. I actually felt AWESOME. I wasn’t tired. I was getting the same sleep. I had the same job. I drove the same car. I wore the same clothes. Nothing changed but my attitude. And I CONSCIOUSLY CHOSE TO CHANGE IT. I took CONTROL over my outlook. By the end of two weeks it was a standard joke at work. “How are you Robbie? Nevermind, I know, you’re fantastic”. So I played along with the joke. “Nope, not today. Today I’m absolutely amazing”. Within three weeks, I realized that I had largely settled on one of my phrases, and even forgotten most of the others. Worse, I was reciting it, not relishing it. In other words, I was back to being “fine”, or “ok”, or “good”, or “tired”. Sure, I was still saying fantastic. But it had become just another answer. So then I made it a point to try to use a different descriptor with each time someone asked, and when possible, not to use the same descriptor to the same person twice in a week. The difference was immediate. I felt better. I felt invigorated. I felt… Absolutely awesome.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMZ2aNnJdx8
JEM
Your birthday came again today
I though to give you a call
I scrolled through my phone to find you name
But it wasn’t there at all.
Then I remembered someone else has your number
That I learned when I called it last year
To wish you a blessing on the day of your birth
But wishes can’t help you, however sincere
You’re gone from this realm, fates pulled us apart
I know that life can be hard
But why did you choose to leave me behind?
Didn’t you think how those you left would be scarred?
I miss you so often, but I rarely express
To anyone how I feel since you left
To painful to share, to much risk of regret
Much lessor things have relationships cleft
I feel like a part of me died with you,
The rope that you used is suffocating me too.
How can I hold on, knowing you let go?
Each day that goes by, I miss you anew.
As your life was cut short, by fate and your choice
So too this poem shall no more have its voice
Inside Story
Inside Story
Ask me how I am, I’ll tell you I’m fine
I’ll smile, I’ll laugh, we’ll have a good time
Tell jokes, and stories, you’ll never see
The pain, or the darkness that envelops me
I’ve had lots of practice at hiding what’s inside
It’s almost like a part of me totally died
Maybe because when I was only four years
Is the first I remember being spanked for my tears.
Men shouldn’t cry, is what I was told
No more being babied, for that you’re too old
The tears were because my cheek was missing a dime of its skin;
Another half dollar was gone from my chin
From that time on, the tears didn’t come
No matter what happened, I’d always keep mum
Despite all the torment I went through at school
No matter who teased me, no matter how cruel
The horrors at home, no more could invoke
Any outward expression nothing ever of my turmoil spoke
I was labeled “hard”, “rebellious”, and “wicked”
I was just trying to survive, all that life had inflicted
My granfather died when I was six months past seven
It was just before christmas, when he gave in to depression
I remeber my sisters, all crying out loud;
Not a tear did I shed, not then and not now
I couldn’t; I didn’t know how, I’d forgotten, you see
By conditining it had been completely driven from me
I miss him still, not a day since has been
Devoid of thoughts, and of memories of him.
I’ve kind of meandered about things long ago
But perhaps it’s the present, about which you should know
I still hide a lot, more than any one can tell
I “internalize” the pain, act like everything’s swell
I claim your opinion means nothing to me,
I laugh at your insults, I hide completely
My longing for acceptance, for welcome, for friends
My fear of weakness, those desires transcends
I don’t make a choice not to show how I feel
My emotions are trapped in a cage made of steel
I don’t have the key, I don’t know how to show
The stuff that’s inside, things that you’ll never know.
There are days when all that I want is to die
I’m just tired of living this perpetual lie
So think, when another you are about to attack
Even in jest, words can someone’s heart wrack
I don’t ask you to pity, or even understand
I don’t need anyone to come hold my hand
Just let my story make you stop, and inspect
Your motives, for why some one you reject
Think of the pain you might never see
Pain they CAN’T show, from which they’ll never be free
Don’t tell them “Jesus will heal if you believe”
That feels like you mean that they are decieved.
Because if Jesus will heal those who believe
Then we who have this pain, we must be decieved
Because I thought I trusted, I thought I was saved
But the pain was still there, the barriers unscathed
So your promise of “fixes” is actually just
A subtle attack, as you judge how much I trust
I guess I’m not “christian enough” to have earned this “cure”
What? I need to fast? pray? go to church more?
I have little doubt that you never have gone
As long without food as what I have done
In my search for answers, in my quest for release
I’ve fasted, I’ve prayed, I’ve BEGGED God for peace
Some christians have cancer, and some hepatitis
Some have diabetes, and some arthritis
Yet you don’t tell them “Jesus will heal”
I guess those diseases aren’t sin? I guess mine isn’t real?
I don’t have physical symptoms, so it’s “all in my head”
The days when I can’t seem to get out of bed
When everything’s dark, when I want to just hide
But I still smile, and laugh, never show what’s inside.
Abandoned
Abandoned
I’ll be here for you, that’s what she said
Those words reverberate in my head
I looked for her just minutes ago
The answer to a question, I thought she would know
“This page is missing” the website replied
“This user’s profile cannot be supplied”
So much for her promises – I should have known
I’m wishing now she would have left me alone
Then my desire for friendship would never have grown
And sitting here now, I wouldn’t feel so alone
They same I blame others, for my own lack
But who should I blame for this knife in my back?
Friendship is transient, this I have learned
The only question is “How long ’til I get burned?”
But I know this person, and I can’t believe
That she would choose, willingly, me to deceive
So how then to explain, what happened today?
Is she being controlled? under someone else’s sway?
It matters not, though now I must choose,
In spite of her actions, will I my character lose?
The answer is no, for then I am to blame,
Regardless of others, only my actions can bring me to shame.
“It’s ok, but I don’t know what to say.
Don’t hurt yourself, Robbie.” That’s the message she sent the other day
“Letting it out, doesn’t have to leave a scar”
Her next message to me, not knowing I’m fubar
The scar is there, it just can’t be seen
Until I trace it in skin, with a knife edge so keen