Held Back

Held Back

How can I move forward when my heart’s in the past?
No it’s not broken, it’s torn from my chest
It is owned by the one that walked out of my world
But out of her care, my heart she just hurled
Op’ning the door to a new world of pain
Stressed to the limit, yeah I’m nearly insane
Been through so much, why does life knock me down?
Holding me under, trying to drown,
All my desires, my potential, my dreams
Snuffed in a moment, destroyed by life’s schemes
But I rise again, up against all hope
I DON’T DIE, I NEVER give up hope.
Life was given me, by a curse come true,
But I won’t relinquish it, till I’m totally through.
Till I exact in full measure, the joy I deserve
Till I take by sheer grit, what I’ve never been served
Success, Victory, these are my goals,
And I’ll reach them regardless, whatever the tolls
I NEVER give up, those who know me agree
And one day, when I’m ready, I’ll be indelibly free!!

Step Up

Step Up

Come out of the dungeon, into the light
Come out of your darkness, banish the night
It’s up to you to come through this alive,
Just believe, in your heart, that you will survive.

Lift up your head, give no place to shame
The ground is not where you should your gaze  aim
Prepare your eyes, when this darkness is gone
The light will be blinding, soon cometh the dawn

Whatever you’re facing, others have faced before,
Take courage, stand still, and trust in the Lord
He sees all your troubles, knows your weaknesses, too
If the storm grows too high, He can carry you through.

Love itself is stronger than death,
So love your potential, get up, take a breath.
Feel the power inside, in your spirit, your will
Breathe deeply, be confident, for a moment, be still.

When you are calm, your focus is clear
Look at your surroundings, notice what’s near.
Now choose a direction, step forward, believe
You can conquer, you can vanquish, cause your demons to leave.

Reminisce

Reminisce

Do you remember?
The past, the joys, the things we shared?
Our is it just me?
Remembering, with such despair?

Do you, like me,
Like awake for hours on end?
In dark of night,
Longing with someone to spend

Your life, your love,
All that you have, and are?
To give your best,
True love which naught doth mar?

When you’re with friends
Does it e’er seem strange that I’m not there?
Right by your side?
Every nuance we both can share?

Hearing a song,
Do you think about us?
Or’s what we had,
Fully buried by life’s fuss?

No day goes by,
Where I do not think of you.
With agony,
Can nothing this pain e’er undo?

Regret runs deep,
Darkening all of my hours
That one mistake
Now my hope, in subservience cowers.

Shattered forever
Its remnants are scattered abroad
Broken in bits
So hope, is erratically strawed.

Monster

Monster

There’s a monster, eating my soul…
Tears me apart, I can never be whole
Lock up my heart in an iron cage
Then shoot it with missiles and laugh at its rage.

Beat it to death, slowly, gruesomely, mutilate.
Pulverize all softness till all that’s left its the hardness of hate.
Hates itself the worst, for trying to do what a heart should
No room for feels, crush all desires, slaughter anything good

Live for the moment, the beat, and the bass
Court only death, marry danger’s embrace
Crush all emotion with the hammer of Thor
Never seek pleasure, always keep score.

Abby

Abby

She’s wildly beautiful,
So far from my league
Yet totally she accepts me
I’m filled with intrigue.

Her care is so gentle
She calms me, excites me
Her touch, soft, yet firm
With her, I am free

5 foot 4 is but average,
Her face follows suit
Till she looks in my eyes
Eyes sparkle, she’s SO cute

Not overly curvy
Yet feminine grace
Her every move garnishes
More beautiful than any face

She embraces her station
As a woman of God
Trusting her leaders,
Doesn’t nag them or prod

As a brave-hearted warrier
Standing tall in the strife
As a soldier for Christ
Shedding His light with her life

Amid life’s confusions
Mid uncertainty
She knows her convictions
And her loyalty

An excellent lady,
With a vision for life
Will some day, for some man
Make an excellent wife.

 

*Written about my ex, soon after we broke up.

Ideation

Ideation

They call it ideation
Imagining what could be
Over-active imagination
Is the reality.

Deep-seated psycho disturbance
Noted a therapist’s pad
Reliving the harrowing occurrence
Is steadily driving him mad.

Medication upon medication
Altering his state of mind
But shorter and shorter duration
The escape from Terror’s cruel bind

Others look on in sorrow
At a man trapped by his brain
The doctor says maybe tomorrow
Maybe then he’ll be sane

Energy, truly unfathomable
Lethargy, listless like dead
These two are the trouble
No sanity, just manic instead.

Lithium, Abilify, Celexa,
600, 5, and 10
Milligrams taken daily
But forgetfulness the problem then

Still he has days of depression
Still he has nights of no sleep
His moods like tides of the ocean
A schedule he cannot keep.

Care

Care

I’ll be there for you, that’s what they say
Their eyes are so sincere
But when you need them, suddenly,
There’s no one there to hear.

You were there for them for years on end,
Through trials great and small
They promised, if anything you ever need,
Just give them a quick call.

And so you do, but too busy are they,
To listen, or just to care
Next day they’re sorry, they love you dear,
But its in the trial you need them there.

Somehow, everything is all your fault,
Their problems, and your own.
Accusations fly thick and fast, unspeakable things,
They cut to the bone.

That they with how well they know you,
Would consider you are able to do
Such criminal actions, such immoral deeds,
Hurts, more they’ll ever know.

Carpe Diem

Carpe Diem

Electrifying!!
Live life alive!!
Be brave, be bold,
Reach for the skies!!

There is nothing
Holding you back,
Except your own fear
Be offensive, attack!!

All of your fears
Will crumble and fall
If once you resist
Their dark’ning pall

Live life freely
Give it your all
Rejoicing in beauty
No matter how small

Love with abandon
Forgive with a will
Others who hurt you
Wish them no ill!!

Hate for another
Hurts only me
When I forgive
I am set free

Free to enjoy
All that life is
Free to feel love
And free love to give.

Rescued

Rescued

I wanna tear it up
I wanna break it down
I’m sick if these walls
Break them to the ground.

I feel so trapped
my emotions are raw
the facade so complete
no attention will draw

The problems all hidden
the surface is smooth
but sharks still linger
with blood on their tooth.

Thoughts are sharks
evil and cruel
dragging me under
their irresistible pull

Doubts of God’s goodness
suicidal intent
the demons rejoicing
On my soul they are bent

Despondent, despairing
Apathy complete
Desiring death
Bullets, replete

Fingering the trigger
but lacking the will
scared of eternity
too scared to kill

Friends? What are they?
people who care?
then why don’t they notice?
sense my despair?

But still I know others
for reasons unknown
in anguish would suffer
If this fate I would own

So desperately, painfully
still I press on
finger off the trigger
for now, friends won.

Neither Do I Condemn Thee

Neither Do I Condemn Thee

People passing judgment
Not pausing to understand
Scorning truth and mercy
The Master writes in the sand

Don’t dwell on those emotions
Those songs are dragging you down
That music is from the devil
The Master writes on the ground

The church has rules against that
There in the discipline found
It says to put under censor
The Master writes on the ground

Finally the Master in patience
Looks up and says with a frown
“Let the one who is perfect condemn”
He stoops and writes on the ground

One by one the accusers convicted
Slip away, till none can be found
Still so endlessly patient
The Master writes on the ground

When all have left in silence
The Master stands with a smile
Neither do I condemn thee
Go in peace my child.