Inside Story

Inside Story

Ask me how I am, I’ll tell you I’m fine
I’ll smile, I’ll laugh, we’ll have a good time
Tell jokes, and stories, you’ll never see
The pain, or the darkness that envelops me

I’ve had lots of practice at hiding what’s inside
It’s almost like a part of me totally died
Maybe because when I was only four years
Is the first I remember being spanked for my tears.

Men shouldn’t cry, is what I was told
No more being babied, for that you’re too old
The tears were because my cheek was missing a dime of its skin;
Another half dollar was gone from my chin

From that time on, the tears didn’t come
No matter what happened, I’d always keep mum
Despite all the torment I went through at school
No matter who teased me, no matter how cruel

The horrors at home, no more could invoke
Any outward expression nothing ever of my turmoil spoke
I was labeled “hard”, “rebellious”, and “wicked”
I was just trying to survive, all that life had inflicted

My granfather died when I was six months past seven
It was just before christmas, when he gave in to depression
I remeber my sisters, all crying out loud;
Not a tear did I shed, not then and not now

I couldn’t; I didn’t know how, I’d forgotten, you see
By conditining it had been completely driven from me
I miss him still, not a day since has been
Devoid of thoughts, and of memories of him.

I’ve kind of meandered about things long ago
But perhaps it’s the present, about which you should know
I still hide a lot, more than any one can tell
I “internalize” the pain, act like everything’s swell

I claim your opinion means nothing to me,
I laugh at your insults, I hide completely
My longing for acceptance, for welcome, for friends
My fear of weakness, those desires transcends

I don’t make a choice not to show how I feel
My emotions are trapped in a cage made of steel
I don’t have the key, I don’t know how to show
The stuff that’s inside, things that you’ll never know.

There are days when all that I want is to die
I’m just tired of living this perpetual lie
So think, when another you are about to attack
Even in jest, words can someone’s heart wrack

I don’t ask you to pity, or even understand
I don’t need anyone to come hold my hand
Just let my story make you stop, and inspect
Your motives, for why some one you reject

Think of the pain you might never see
Pain they CAN’T show, from which they’ll never be free
Don’t tell them “Jesus will heal if you believe”
That feels like you mean that they are decieved.

Because if Jesus will heal those who believe
Then we who have this pain, we must be decieved
Because I thought I trusted, I thought I was saved
But the pain was still there, the barriers unscathed

So your promise of “fixes” is actually just
A subtle attack, as you judge how much I trust
I guess I’m not “christian enough” to have earned this “cure”
What? I need to fast? pray? go to church more?

I have little doubt that you never have gone
As long without food as what I have done
In my search for answers, in my quest for release
I’ve fasted, I’ve prayed, I’ve BEGGED God for peace

Some christians have cancer, and some hepatitis
Some have diabetes, and some arthritis
Yet you don’t tell them “Jesus will heal”
I guess those diseases aren’t sin? I guess mine isn’t real?

I don’t have physical symptoms, so it’s “all in my head”
The days when I can’t seem to get out of bed
When everything’s dark, when I want to just hide
But I still smile, and laugh, never show what’s inside.